This post is part of the “Don’t Avert Your Eyes” series here at Celebrity Psychings. Learn more about how Joaquin Phoenix prompted this weeklong series, check out the first post, and don’t forget to stop back by – it’s running until Friday, March 27!
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they suspect someone they care about has a mental health problem is to avoid the issue. Maybe they think if they ignore it long enough, it’ll go away – the person will work it out on his own or find someone more qualified to help. The truth is, while the majority of you aren’t psychiatrists, as loved ones you are – to a point – very “qualified to help” through awareness, education, and support.
The first step toward helping is addressing the issue. Below are eight general “dos and don’ts” to help you do just that.
DO spark up a conversation.
And by “spark up a conversation,” I don’t mean giving the person a call and greeting him with, “So, why haven’t you bathed in a week? Why are you sleeping all the time? I think you’re depressed. Should I make you an appointment with the doctor?” By “spark up a conversation,” I mean “work your concerns into the conversation naturally.” One of the last things you want to do is make the person feel attacked and defensive.
DON’T harass the person.
Once you’ve broken the ice, you might feel compelled to keep the discussion going, or bring the topic up again day after day – especially if your loved one seems hesitant or tries to blow you off. Understand that the more you push the issue, the more likely it is the person is going to push you away.
In non life-threatening situations (i.e. you don’t fear for the person’s life or safety, nor do you fear for anyone else’s life or safety), chances are you’re going to have to accept that the person will come around or seek help in his own time. This doesn’t mean you should just say what you need to say and then forget about it, but it does mean you should say what you need to say and then let the ball be in his court.
DO show concern.
Whether you’re talking to the person face to face, over the telephone, via the Internet, or through good ol’ fashioned snail mail, make sure the person knows you care about him and you’re there if he needs you. Then, back your words up with actions and actually be available.
DON’T act like it’s the end of the world.
Having a mental illness is not the end of the world (according to the National Institute of Mental Health, about one in four adults suffers from a diagnosable mental illness during any given year – and the world keeps spinning ‘round), so when you talk about your concerns, make sure it’s concern you’re showing and not full-blown panic.
What kind of message do you think you’d send if you scream, cry, show fear, or just generally freak out? How do you think the person would react to that?
DO spend time with the person.
It’s good to spend time with the person you think might be struggling with mental health problems. Not only does it allow you to get a better idea of what’s going on, it also helps the person know he’s not alone (and this can be especially beneficial if the person already knows you’re concerned about his mental health).
Make sure to keep your time casual, though, to avoid smothering him (see below). Start out suggesting a lunch date, or a movie night, or even a weekend vacation. Invite mutual friends if you think he’d be down with it. Keep in mind, too, that spending time with the person might also help him see you do care and that it’s okay to open up to you.
DON’T smother the person.
There’s a slight difference between harassing the person and smothering the person. Unlike with harassment (in this situation), if you’re smothering the person you’re constantly calling him, showing up at his house, and inviting him to do things, but you’re not necessarily discussing his mental health. Rather, you’re just trying to keep an eye on him.
While you’re intentions are good, this method is not, and chances are it won’t take your loved one very long to figure out you have ulterior motives and start avoiding you altogether.
DO keep it light.
You might think it’s difficult to both show concern and keep it light, but it’s not.
Finding a way to work your concerns about how much he’s sleeping lately or how he doesn’t seem to enjoy the things he used to anymore into a related conversation without teasing him or seeming like you’re making fun of him are both ways to keep it light while getting the message that you’ve observed these changes out there.
Slamming him with a three-foot thick stack of pamphlets from your local community mental health center and telling him you’re going to check him into the whack shack if he doesn’t get it together – not so much.
DON’T act like it’s a joke.
Regardless of how you approach the situation, remember one thing: If you suspect the person is suffering from a mental illness, humor (or what you might think is humor) like “Have you lost your mind?”, “Are you crazy or something?”, and “I think I can get you a good deal on a straight jacket” is not helpful.
Thanks to stigma, there’s always the chance the person is already having trouble dealing with and admitting the problem and your attempt at humor will probably further drive home the fear of stigma and prevent the person from seeking help – especially if it’s coming from someone he respects and cares about.
These “dos and don’ts” are general. What works for one person might not work for the next person, and you should keep in mind that what you say to the person you suspect is struggling with mental health problems depends largely on your relationship with that person.
However, even if you and the other person have an excellent relationship, you still need to be prepared for his reactions – good or bad. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow; in the meantime, have you ever approached someone with your concerns about their mental health? What method did you use, and how did it go?
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