When you spend a lifetime trying to make other people happy, you forget what makes you happy. You convince yourself that making other people happy makes you happy. You become so consumed in making others happy - people pleasing - that you have to think - really think - when you are asked what you would like for your birthday.
You come up with gift ideas that you know would make others happy. Slippers. An apron. Perfume. A photo album. Or the ever popular gift certificate. They are clueless. They don’t know what makes you happy because you don’t know what makes you happy. You try on the apron, stare at the gift card and try on the slippers.
Secretly, you seethe. Then you go back to making them happy with a huge chip on your shoulder. You try to ignore the resentment but it grows because now they expect you to make them happy. You get angry - at yourself and them. You sit on the pity pot and listen to those tapes in your head that say what you really want to say - You take me for granted! You don’t appreciate all I do for you! You expect me to do everything!
That was me. That was the kind of behavior I had to unlearn when I was finally diagnosed with depression and bipolar. The medications were not enough. I had been holding the hand that held me down. This behavior fueled my depression. I had to learn a new way of life.
So, I asked myself “What makes ME happy?” Silence. Hmmm. More silence. Hmmm. Even more silence. Hmmm. What makes ME happy? Took me awhile. SCUBA DIVING! That would make ME really happy. I live a mile from the ocean, on the northern edge of the only reef off the continental U.S.
I did it. I got certified. Every Saturday morning - water temp and weather permitting - I sit on the bow of the dive boat. Then I put on my gear, jump in the ocean and gently fall to the ocean floor. No cell phones, no television, no IPods, no newspapers. Just me and God.
More happiness flowed. A bicycle. I love riding a bike. I gave my daughter my car. Now I commute to work, the grocery store and the beach. Tap dancing! I tried it. I truly stink. Fishing! I picked up a fly rod and watched the line dance before me. I fell in love.
Once I cracked the shell, happiness flowed. I no longer ask myself - What makes YOU happy. I wait for the inspiration - then I go for it. And right now, I gotta go. The fish are biting.
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